


my soul is a lonely one (i'm not alone)

by del_invierno



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Canon Compliant, Haikyuu!! Manga Spoilers, M/M, i'm still not over chapter 387
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-21
Updated: 2020-04-24
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:28:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23776870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/del_invierno/pseuds/del_invierno
Summary: Kageyama finds happiness again.or chapter 387 made me cry thinking about how lonely kageyama must been so i wrote this as a way of coping.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio
Comments: 10
Kudos: 106





	1. there's no one left between myself and me

Lying in his home yard with a volleyball in his hands, Kageyama looks at the sky before closing his eyes and taking a deep breath.

He's 7 years old and there're things that he doesn't completely understand, such as why Miwa has decided to stop playing volleyball or why the kids in his class don't want to be his friends, they talk about things that he's not interested in and he likes things they don't care about, but he remembers how his grandfather told him 'No one understands what is and is not important to you better than you do' and suddenly everything makes sense again. His grandfather always knows what to say to calm him down.

His mind feels at peace with this routine, life is simple, he watches volleyball matches with his grandfather, practices with him and there's always something new to learn. The world is full of possibilities.

As Kageyama grows, his grandfather gets older too. He starts to tire faster when they play together, he has less energy and he starts spending more time at the doctor than with him. The days when he doesn't see his grandfather get longer but Kageyama doesn't have to worry because sooner or later his grandfather always returns to his side; his parents are never around and Miwa is always busy but he's the only constant in his life.

His grandfather now no longer runs alongside him but keeps encouraging him and taking care of him, he no longer practices as much with Kageyama but goes to see him play as much as he can and always gives him advice.

After a game in which Kageyama remains frustrated because he wants to play more and stay longer on the court, his grandfather, wise as always, reassures him. 'If you get really good, I promise you, somebody who's even better will come and find you' he says, so Kageyama relaxes again. He can keep training and wait for that person. There's no hurry.

As school begins in Kitagawa Daiichi, his life changes again. He no longer watches videos of matches with his grandfather and when he runs, he does it alone. 

Now his grandfather spends his days at the hospital so he focus on continuing the only part of his routine that doesn't change. Improve and train.

There's nobody looking at him when he runs and nobody to chase because he's the fastest. He trains alone because no one wants to train with him, the rest of his team want to go home with their families or play video games with their friends and he receives strange looks when he says that he's going to continue practicing so he stops asking them if they also want to stay. His teammates don't understand why volleyball is so important to him so training and running alone becomes his new routine.

One day when he comes home his family tells him that his grandfather is gone and that this time he won't return and Kageyama feels a tremendous weight on his heart. A force dragging him down.

With the loss of his grandfather the joy also goes away. After the funeral a numbness that pierces his bones invades him, even volleyball is no longer exciting.  
He has never felt so scared before and for the first time he doesn't know what to do because whenever he was confused, his grandfather was there.

Now he's alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my mind is a mess because of what's happening around the world right now + my depression but chapter 387 broke me and i had to do something with all these feelings.
> 
> i tried to write my first fic about a year ago but then i dropped it lol so i consider this my "first" fic and english is not my first language so feel complety free of leaving a comment telling me if there's something wrong, i'm open to criticism!
> 
> i send you all my love and i hope you and your loved ones are safe!!! ♡
> 
> (chapter's title is from Turn out the lights - Julien Baker)


	2. i'm calling out, but you can't hear

Miwa is rarely around and his parents seem like strangers who only show up at home once in a while.

His life has changed a lot in a short time and Kageyama doesn't know how to deal with it so he does the things he did before but this time feeling a pain that invades him every time he breathes.

He continues to play volleyball but he no longer feels the emotion from before and it's frustrating him. Even so, he keeps pushing himself to be better as if life is going to take him somewhere.

Now he eats alone, goes to class alone, runs alone, has a team that doesn't feel like his own and his arms hurt from practicing so much. When after hours of training by himself the ball falls hard on the gym floor the echo invades everything and for a moment Kageyama wishes not to feel so isolated from the world, he wants what he had a few years ago, to be with his grandfather and with Miwa; his grandfather told him that if he became really good someone would come to be by his side but nobody appears, the only thing that everyone does is leave him.  
Emotions that he doesn't know how to articulate invade him so he takes a deep breath and just keeps training his serves.

When the Interhigh day comes he can feel that his teammates are getting bored of pretending that they tolerate him and Kageyama is also tired but not physically. His muscles are fine, he has more reflexes than before, his technique is getting better and practically nobody can stop his serves but there's again that feeling of frustration with everything and everyone.

Since his grandfather's death he has been drowning in silent screams and he supposes that he should cry but the tears never come. There's nothing but a void within him and Kageyama tries to understand his own feelings but he doesn't know how to do it. Volleyball is the only thing he has left and with each game he hopes that a moment will come when some victory will make him feel some peace but that moment never arrives and he begins to lose control of his emotions. His teammates have to try harder, if they are better they will be able to stay on the court and maybe if he manage to win one more game he'll feel something again. But it never happens.  
He wins matches but the emptiness continues to get bigger and bigger.

Kageyama meets Hinata Shouyou at the first round of the tournament and is the most interesting thing that has happened to him in months.

Hinata Shouyou exudes passion for volleyball, lives each point as if it were the last and is incredibly stubborn.  
Hinata told him before the match that he was aware of his height but that he could jump, and yes, he really can. Kageyama looks at him as he flies and for an instant that's the only thing he can see.

Hinata tries to reach all the balls relentlessly even when they're impossible to save and where anyone else would have given up, he continues. Hinata is everything his teammates aren't and when the game ends a lot of questions cloud his mind; why are you playing with that team? why with all the talent you have you are still sloppy at the basics? and most importantly, where have you been these past 3 years? If someone like Hinata existed, why Kageyama has had to be alone all this time.

Kageyama wins the match and before he leaves he meets again with a different Hinata than the one he has seen before, with glassy eyes he begins to cry while promising that he'll be the one to beat him in the future. Hinata's eyes are full of fire and with the promise of that challenge Kageyama feels a chill again.  
When he arrives home Kageyama wonders if that boy is really going to try to be stronger. He has a feeling he will. Hinata Shouyou doesn't seem like the type to give up easily.

The tournament continues and Kageyama keeps winning matches but his team is not doing enough, they must try harder if they want to keep winning, if they want to be able to defeat the other teams, they must–  
Kageyama feels the ground splitting under his feet when he tosses the ball and it bounces on the court because nobody has gone for it. He looks at his teammates confused and the only thing he can think of is that everything is over. The coach makes him sit on the bench and now he has nothing left.

His team ends up being eliminated and the nickname of The King of the Court doesn't let him sleep that night. He stares at the ceiling, thinking over and over of the things he could have done differently and the things that others could have done better.

Kageyama continues to run, he runs as if in the end of the line his grandfather and Miwa were waiting for him but there's never anyone.

His last attempt was to try to enter on Shiratorizawa, hoping to find someone or something there that would make him want to continue but he failed the admission exam and now he's completely lost.

He ends up going to Karasuno after hearing that coach Ukai was training again and while he practices by himself before the first training session with his new team, he hears a voice that he already knows from before.  
He meets Hinata Shouyou again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading this!! ♡
> 
> (chapter's title is from I'm in here - Sia)


	3. i saw your face and i knew it was a sign

Kageyama feels himself resurface on Karasuno.  
The loneliness he carried and the wounds he didn't know how to leave behind start to hurt less.  
Everyone on the team help him in different ways and thanks to them and his own personal work he can understand now what it means to be stronger together.  
And then Hinata.

Hinata came into his life as a hurricane.  
He says 'I'm here' as if what he really wanted to say is 'you have me, everything will be fine' and Kageyama believes him because he proves it to him everyday.

Hinata is an inexhaustible source of energy and finally Kageyama feels that someone can keep up with him. They make everything into a competition where even running is fun again and over time their rivalry shifts to partnership and Hinata becomes the closest thing to a best friend that Kageyama ever had.

They scream and argue a lot but neither of them turns away from the other. Hinata understands him even at the times when Kageyama doesn't know how to explain to others what he's feeling. There are moments when he only knows how to communicate through volleyball and even then Hinata is able to decipher what he wants to say; at those times Kageyama thinks that the two of them are more alike than what himself reaches to understand.

Hinata fills his life and Kageyama likes to spend time with him.  
When they study together Hinata isn't the best paying attention and instead he talks and talks non-stop about things that he's passionate about and Kageyama likes to listen to him. He isn't the best starting conversations but Hinata doesn't care and they manage to find a balance.

He no longer wants to improve on his own, he wants to help Hinata improve as well. He wants the whole team to move forward and be stronger together.  
Kageyama feels that life gradually returns to him.

Their first National tournament doesn't go as planned.  
Kageyama really contemplated that they could make it to the top but when Hinata's body fell onto the court in the middle of the match, he felt his heart skip a beat as he thought of all the times he knew something was wrong with Hinata and how of all people he's the one who should've realized that Hinata was sick.

Everyone tried to cheer Hinata up as he cried and begged because he didn't want to leave the game but as much as it hurt to play without him, it was the only thing they could do.

Kageyama thought about his grandfather and how this time he didn't want to win just for him, for himself and for his team, this time he wanted to win especially for Hinata; he wanted Hinata to see them and remember this moment, he wanted to win to show him that what they've created with this team is bigger than themselves.  
He trusts Hinata like he has never trusted anyone before and he knows that he'll keep trying. Nothing has ever stopped Hinata and Kageyama knows that this experience won't either.

They ended up losing and the image of feverish Hinata staring at him as if Kageyama could do something to change the situation relentlessly replayed in his mind. He can't sleep that night thinking how much he wishes he could have helped him.

Time goes by and in their second year Hinata becomes completely obsessed with beach volleyball and impulsive as always he decides that he'll go to Rio de Janeiro in a few years.  
Hinata spends his days watching beach volleyball matches and he also begins to say portuguese words randomly in each conversation. It had been a long time since Hinata had been so motivated and Kageyama likes it.

He isn't quite sure when his feelings for Hinata started to change but there was a day when he looked at Hinata's hand near his and wanted to hold it.  
It isn't new for Kageyama to observe Hinata but before he had excuses to do it, to analyze how he plays or to think of new tactics to improve, but sitting on the sidewalk having an ice cream in the summer after practicing for hours, there's no logical reason to justify why he can't stop staring at Hinata and think about how much he'd like to run his fingers through his hair. Hinata looks at him and just smiles and Kageyama feels that spark so he looks away while hears Hinata's laugh.

At the end of their third year, Kageyama can continue his sports career and Hinata will finally fulfill his dream of training and going to Rio.  
When the graduation ceremony ends, they decide to train together in their gym for the last time. There are things that never change, like the addiction that Kageyama has to see how Hinata's face lights up when he plays with him.

They part ways and Kageyama looks at Hinata before leaving, on his way back home he remembers his grandfather's words. 'Somebody even better will come and find you', Kageyama wonders if that person will be Hinata.

In silence he wishes it to be and in his heart he feels that he already is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a mess.....i have -1000 writing skills.  
> thank you very much for reading it anyway!!♡
> 
> (chapter's title is from Love you for a long time - Maggie Rogers)


	4. say my name and every color illuminates

Hinata has always been a force of nature but now that he isn't in the shadow of anyone he moves as if the world belongs to him.

Hinata playing without restraint is beyond belief, his face screams 'watch me' and Kageyama would never refuse to do it.

Having Hinata on the other side of the court makes him give his best, adrenaline fills his veins and Kageyama knows he's been playing well.

Today he feels like a true King but Hinata is no less than that.

His grandfather's promise finally came true. Somebody even better than him has come to find him and of course it was Hinata's light the one that reached him.  
If fate exists it has Hinata's face.

The Black Jackals win the match after a tight game but Kageyama doesn't feel pettiness or regret. Hinata has always been his best partner and now he's also his greatest rival.

"We've won!" Hinata shouts from the other side of the court as he approaches, "I win!" he repeats and looks at Kageyama as if he wanted to say something else but he just extends his hand waiting for a handshake.  
Kageyama stares at Hinata and before he can process his own thoughts he pulls him into a hug.

He feels Hinata's smile on his neck and goosebumps fly across Kageyama's skin. All he wants to do is tell him how proud he is of him and how he has saved his life in every possible way but instead Kageyama closes his eyes and says in a whisper only for Hinata to hear "You're amazing" and Hinata wraps his arms tighter against him "but next time I'll beat you."

Hinata doesn't let go but he lifts his face and looks at him, "I'd like to see you try."

Finishing a challenge just to start another is so them that Kageyama can't help but laugh.

"What?" Kageyama asks smiling when Hinata keeps staring at him.

"Nothing, I— it's been a long time since I've heard you laugh."

Kageyama supposes they must look ridiculous standing in the middle of the court, neither of them prepared to let the other go and he almost wants to laugh again because he just got Hinata back and doesn't know how to act.

Hinata seems serious for a moment before looking at his lips and Kageyama feels that spark again, he tries not to expect something that he may be misreading but Hinata's gaze continues to go from his eyes to his lips and as they're getting closer and closer he can't help but believe that they're both thinking the same thing.

"Kageyama," Hinata says softly as they breathe the same air, "I want to do something but you'll get mad at me if I do it."

"I won't."

The noise of the stadium fills his ears, there are television cameras, journalists everywhere and even if Hinata's impulsiveness has always been contagious Kageyama's logical part screams at him that they have to run away from there.  
He pulls away a little and as in their high school days he just ruffles Hinata's hair.  
Hinata sighs and drops his head on Kageyama's shoulder.

Kageyama laughs once more because for some reason he can't contain the happiness inside him.

It's like coming home.

Kageyama's good reasoning wins and he leaves the court taking Hinata with him, he hears whispers about them as they leave but right now all he wants is to be away from people's eyes.

When he finally finds a quiet corridor he stops walking and looks at Hinata.

"What were you going to do?" Kageyama asks softly.

Hinata rolls his eyes "You totally ruined the moment."

"I didn't!"

"You did."

"And what did you expected me to do? Would you want us to kiss on the court?"

Hinata covers his face with his hands as he growls "Don't say it like that!"

Kageyama looks at him and if Hinata has been able to want to kiss him in the middle of the whole world he can say "I've missed you."

Hinata's eyes give him a tender look that makes Kageyama feel small and important at the same time.

"Really?"

Kageyama puts a hand on Hinata's waist "Of course I did, idiot."

"Even surrounded by so many pro players?" Hinata asks smiling.

"None of them were you."

Hinata huffs but moves until their faces are close again, "I've missed you too."

Kageyama feels calm, like everything is right. "Today was fun." he says and Hinata gives him a small nod, takes one of his hands and intertwines it with his.

Kageyama stares at them, so many years wanting to touch and inventing excuses to do it and now that he can hold them he doesn't want to let go.

"Hinata, I'm very proud of you. You're amazing."

"You already said that." Hinata caresses Kageyama's cheek and that simple act overwhelms him until the only thing he can do is tilt his head towards Hinata's hand seeking his touch.

Anticipation makes Kageyama close his eyes and wait for him.

He has been waiting for Hinata for a long time and even when they were miles apart he was still present at every step Kageyama has taken.

Their noses touch and he inhales a shaky breath that makes Hinata giggle, Kageyama is about to open his eyes to tell him to stop laughing but he feels a kiss on the side of his mouth and everything else melts away.

"Can I?" Hinata whispers when their lips brush.

Of course you can, Kageyama thinks.

"Yeah."

Hinata closes the distance between them and Kageyama feels that his whole life has been leading to this moment.

He's too caught up in his own thoughts and doesn't know what to do but when Hinata's fingers cling to his shirt Kageyama kisses him back, he opens his mouth a little further and Hinata takes Kageyama bottom lip and suck at it.

His chest yearns for more and breathing heavily Kageyama returns the kiss with the same passion. He leans forward kissing his way from Hinata's mouth, across his jaw to his neck.  
Hinata sighs and Kageyama goes back to Hinata's lips so he can breath each of his whispers.

Hinata kisses him as if he wants to turn all his emotions into something tangible and Kageyama understands it because he desires the same.

He doesn't want Hinata to forget him, he doesn't want to long for Hinata anymore, he doesn't want to say goodbye again.

Kageyama puts his fingers on Hinata's neck and brings him closer while Hinata kisses him deeply and silences all his unsaid concerns with his lips.

There're voices approaching from across the corridor and they untangle themselves from each other.

Kageyama then takes a deep breath and stares at Hinata; his orange hair is a mess, his cheeks are flushed and he'll never admit it but he's probably tired after the game.

He wonders if this is the right moment to tell Hinata that he loves him.  
No matter how much time passes by, Hinata is always his favorite person.

Kageyama isn't sure how to articulate all this feelings in words so he just smiles and it seems to be enough because Hinata smiles him back brighter than ever, holds his hand and squeezes it as saying 'I'm here'.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first of all i'm sorry, this was so much better in my head.  
> i have a lot of respect for every writter out there because this is sooo difficult and it's also scary to publish your work (at least for me bc i'm very insecure)  
> anyway, i hope you like it but i understand if you don't lol i know it's a mess.  
> thank you for reading it! take care.  
> i hope you're safe!!! ♡
> 
> (chapter's title is from Spectrum - Florence and the Machine)


End file.
